


More than Words

by Genie60



Series: Poldark Series 3-This and That [6]
Category: Poldark (TV 2015)
Genre: Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Found Poetry, Marriage, Moving On, Reconciliation, Regret, S3, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 07:16:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10657593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genie60/pseuds/Genie60
Summary: Follow up to "Dead Poet's Society" where Ross is still dealing with his own emotions regarding Demelza's possible infidelityMore for @amandarprescott because she wants to see Ross pay.....





	More than Words

Ross walked into the bedroom to find Demelza sitting at her dressing table, her head bowed, apparently reading something. As he approached he saw what was in her hand; he’d memorized the handwriting from the time he read the same letter.  Coming up behind Demelza, he put his hands on her shoulders. She tried to fold the paper up and put it away as she raised her head.  Catching each other in the mirror Ross saw that she had been crying and he gave her a weak smile.  He walked around to kneel at her side, her hand limply holding the parchment. Ross covered her hands with his half expecting Demelza to pull away which she did.  Surprising Ross, she didn’t shrink away but rather handed him the note with one hand and caressed his face with the other.  Taking the paper from her Ross searched her eyes and saw that she wanted to say something.

“Ross, I’ve been meaning to tell you about these,” she started, her voice barely a whisper.  Demelza’s gaze dropped back to her hands that were now folded on her lap.

“Demelza, my love, I’ve known about this for some time,” he interrupted.

Her head shot up to look at him, questioning what he meant.

“What do you mean you knew? You read this?”

Her tone was a mix of indignation and embarrassment at the fact that what she thought was secret was not. Ross was hesitant to tell her when he found it but knew that the time had come for him to come clean about reading this and his feelings around it.

“I found it by accident.  When we were at Lord Falmouth’s it fell out of the pocket of your skirt. I wasn’t going to look at it Demelza, but something intrigued me about the handwriting.  I’m sorry I should have told you but then I suppose I hoped that you would tell me first.” 

He spoke while holding the letter in question, his fingers running along the well-worn edge indicating that it was read often. The thought that she needed to remind herself of those words stabbed at him anew.  Ross could still remember the physical reaction he had when he first read it.  Now those emotions were being revived by actually seeing his wife read Hugh Armitage’s declaration and being moved by it.  So what did he feel about that?

“Ross, why didn’t you tell me?  You should have told me you found it.”

“How do you propose I do that Demelza?  You were clearly grieving for the boy and this poem, or whatever it is, seemed to suggest that your reaction was based on more than just sadness for the loss of a young man.  Am I wrong?”

Demelza stood and walked away from him circling the room to come sit on the bed.  She thought about what he said but something else was still nagging at her.

“Did you read any of the other notes Ross?  Have you gone through my personal things and found them?”

Ross joined her by the bed.  This was the first time he was hearing that there were other messages to his wife from Armitage.  Now he wondered how long and to what extent their relationship had gone on and his ire was coming to the surface.

“What others Demelza?  How long has this dalliance been going on?”  Ross’s voice was no longer sympathetic.  He came to stand in front of her, staring down at the top of her red head, waiting for an answer.

“Tell me Demelza!  How long have you and Armitage been involved?”  He was practically shouting now, his attempt at staying calm futile.

Demelza raised her head to look at her husband, the tears from before gone, replaced with fire. She looked at him in disbelief. Was he really questioning her as to where her loyalties lay?  After years of sitting by and watching him obsess over Elizabeth, he dare question her?  She needed to put some space between them so she could formulate the words that she’d held inside for so long and moved around the room to stand back at her dressing table.  Turning around to face him, hands grasping at her skirt, she began to speak.

“Do you really not know me, Ross?  After all these years, do you really believe that I would carry on with another man and still be able to live with you?  You know that I cannot hide anything from you, good, bad or indifferent.  I told you from the on-set, from the first time I met Hugh that something about him touched me. And that it frightened me.  Yet you didn’t seem to care.  You seemed to stand aside to let me deal with it.  So I did. Did Hugh send me letters and poems vowing love and devotion?  Yes, he did.  And did I find them flattering and touching?  Of course, I did.  What woman wouldn’t?  But did I take them to mean more than just the words of a young man, possibly ill, who had an infatuation?  No, I did not.  I knew he was taken with me, you saw it as well, didn’t you?  But I never encouraged him and you never discouraged him.”

Demelza stopped, needing to catch her breath and sort out what else she was going to say when Ross spoke up.

“That’s all well and good.  You’re getting flowery letters and such from him.  But what does this one mean Demelza?” he said as he held up the last poem.  “Is it a confession?  A memory?  Or a wish of what he wanted to happen? When I read it, I felt as though someone had kicked me in the stomach and I got sick.  Physically sick to think of you and him…. That’s why I didn’t tell you at the time that I found it.  If you had confirmed what I thought it meant, I’m not sure what I would have done.  The pain of thinking that you gave yourself to him, it was too much to bear,” Ross finished.

Demelza took in all he said and felt a small bit of satisfaction knowing that Ross was tortured over these words.  She started to respond, trying hard not to sound as if she was gloating that he felt what she felt years ago.

“Now you know what I felt in those days and weeks after your night at Trenwith.  The pain I went through, the guilt that maybe I drove you to her because of something I did or didn’t do. The feeling of helplessness waiting to see what you wanted or who you wanted.  Except, Ross, in this case, there was no decision that needed to be made. On my side, there was never any consideration that what Hugh felt for me or what I might have felt for him would have any bearing on our life or would have me question where my heart and loyalties lie.  There was no chance of me leaving you or our life together.  You couldn’t say the same thing, could you?” 

The question was a challenge and Demelza waited for his reply.  Seeing he was struggling with the ideas she just mentioned she went on.

“How does it feel Ross, to think you weren’t considered by the one person you love?  That maybe someone else was first in their mind?”

Demelza’s voice sounded strong and sure as she was glad to be saying all this now even under these circumstances.

Ross had nothing to counter that statement because once again, Demelza was right.

“Did you love him Demelza?  Do you still?  Do you feel for him what I feel for you?  And what I hope you still feel for me?”   His voice was low, almost childlike as if asking for permission.

Demelza saw that he was actually unsure of her feelings for him and she understood that because she had felt the same so many times over the past years.  Seeing his pain and fear, Demelza couldn’t stand away from him and so went to back to the bed where he sat, kneeling in front of him.

“Ross, there is no comparison.  I love you and have loved you with everything I have and more.  Perhaps this thing was Hugh was more a case where I saw someone hurting, who was clearly not long for this world and maybe I just wanted to share some of the love I have inside me with him.  Maybe I thought I could do something for him that I couldn’t do for Julia; to ease his pain by caring.  What happened with Hugh, has no bearing on my love for you. Hugh knew that as well.  There was never an option of my abandoning our life or anything more happening with him. Ever.”

“Is that because he knew he was dying?  If he had lived would this have continued?” Now Ross’s tone was changing from wounded husband to accuser.

“No Ross!  Have you not been listening?  What happened was unplanned and even unwanted.  I didn’t set up an assignation with him while you were away. Circumstances led to my encounter with him.  Isn’t that what happened with Elizabeth?  Didn’t you go to Trenwith that night to just talk to her and during the course of your—visit—the two of you found yourselves needing to wake the sleeping monster that you’ve ignored for so long?”

They stared at each other, the words being said revealing truths they’d been avoiding.  Ross understood what she was saying but found he needed to explain to her exactly what that night with Elizabeth was.

“Demelza, to a certain extent you’re right.  The night with Elizabeth was a release of long-suppressed feelings that if confronted at any other time, most likely would not have been handled the same way. After that horrendous day, what happened with her was solely a physical release and as I explained before was devoid of the emotions that make being with someone complete.  The next day I knew that what had occurred was a mistake and find it did nothing except hurt everyone involved most especially you.”

He paused to let that sink in before continuing.  Demelza moved to sit next to him now, her hands in her lap as she looked at him. Ross glanced over and saw nothing on her face that gave away what she was thinking or feeling at the moment.

“But what I saw between you and Hugh was the opposite.  I saw the emotional connection you shared and the fact that Hugh could convey that in beautiful words, something I could never do, made me feel like I had lost you on a different level.  Physical love is nothing without emotional love, Demelza. You taught me that,” Ross said simply.  “I thought that because you had such strong emotions for Armitage that one physical encounter would not be enough.  That you would need or want more.  More than I could give you.”

Demelza took his hands in hers, pulling the parchment out of it and placing it on the table next to the bed. 

“Ross, what Hugh sent me or said to me were just words. Words on paper, words on the wind; easily read and quickly over. They touched me because of their beauty, more than anything else,” she explained.

“No Demelza.  They were more than words. They were hopes and dreams and feelings and love.  All the things I have for you but keep inside because I’m afraid,” Ross said.

Demelza looked at him, confused.

“Afraid of what Ross?  I’ve told you what happened with Hugh was nothing compared to my love for you,” she said assuredly.

“I’m afraid of making a mistake.  Of coming across as foolish if I try to compete with someone like Hugh.  I’m old Demelza.  And stubborn with a lame leg and moodiness that is off-putting.  You are so young and beautiful and you’ve put up with me.  I’m afraid that if someone like Hugh Armitage can touch your heart, that perhaps another young buck could come along and take you. And I couldn’t live with that.  I can’t live without you.  You are my life’s source and soul mate.  I’m nothing without you.  Sometimes I’m sorry I even rescued him.” 

Ross finished and Demelza could see that tears were gathering in his eyes.

“No Ross, you’re not sorry you rescued him.  It’s who you are otherwise you wouldn’t have rescued me and I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you. Right?”

She turned him to face her, her hands sliding up his arms to cup his face, her thumbs brushing his cheeks.

“Nor would we have made this life together.  A life I love and would never leave.  You will not get rid of me my love.  After all we’ve been through and fought through, we are meant to be together,” she said, a smile coming to her face. 

Demelza leaned over and kissed him gently. Ross received it but did not clasp her to him as he usually did. He was hesitant for the first time in many months because for once he was the one unsure of what place he had in her heart.  Was she truly over this poet or was she just placating him to cover up something deeper?  Knowing him so well, Demelza felt this and pulled away to look at him.

“Ross?  We have both betrayed and hurt each other with people who brought something to each of us that we thought was lacking in our own relationship. As we both found out, we were wrong.  Your night with Elizabeth, for all the pain and heartache that it caused brought you back to me; fully and without reservation. That should have been enough for me to not fall as well. But Hugh showed me how words could reflect feelings; perhaps because I wasn’t formally schooled, they meant more to me, but he didn’t.  I loved him and felt sympathy for what he was going through but I was never in love with him. He never had my heart fully. That is and always will be reserved for you. You are my heart and soul, Ross Poldark.  As for you being old and lame, sometimes I feel as old as you.  But I believe I can make you feel as young as me.”

Demelza moved towards him, forcing him to come flush against her as her arms wrapped around his body, holding him fast. Looking directly into his eyes, she tilted her head and took his mouth with hers, kissing him with all she had.  Needing her but more importantly, needing to know she was truly with him, Ross responded, his arms encircling her, caressing her back as his lips made love to hers.  Maneuvering them to lie down on the bed Ross pulled away from Demelza, his face searching hers and he saw the woman he has lived with for over ten years and who he’s loved for almost as long. 

“It’s always been you, Ross,” she said.  “It always will be.  Can you tell me the same?” 

Her hands were caressing his face, brushing the wayward curls away from his eyes and her finger grazing his almost invisible scar.  Ross looked down at his wife and saw that she still had doubts about his devotion and he couldn’t blame her.  In truth, he couldn’t blame her for anything that had taken place from that long ago night in May to this moment.  He was as much a party to whatever transpired between Demelza and Hugh as they were.  Ross knew that both he and Demelza were equally responsible for the breaches in their marriage but as was her way, Demelza was able to face what had or had not happened and move on in her own indiscretion whereas he ignored rather than faced his fall from grace. One thing he was sure of was his feeling for Demelza. That was settled before he even left Trenwith the morning after his encounter

“I can Demelza. Without a second thought, you are everything to me. And please accept my deepest apologies for putting you through that torment.  If what I have been feeling is only part of what you went through, then I’m not only sorry but humbled.  Because you my love are probably the strongest person I have ever known.  From this point on it will be my goal to show you how much I love you and how much you mean to me.” 

Ross finished as the tears fell from Demelza’s eyes.  Never had he spoken with so much honesty to her and she knew, without a second thought, that she was bound to this man. No matter what the future held, that they would face it together.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to write this but wanted to continue Ross's torture just a bit. It could be total rubbish.
> 
> Thank you to all who read, comment and support my work....It means more than you know...More than words can say. (see what I did there?)


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